Updated: Feb 20, 2019
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” - Berné Brown
I have been doing the work. Reflecting, identifying limiting core beliefs, crying, self-doubt, resistance and placing lots of pressure on myself. What an emotional roller coaster and I am sharing this with you to give you insights in what a core belief is and how we all have them.
My mission this year is to follow this mantra. Berné Brown I love your work. I was journaling and uncovered a limiting belief that has created patterns in my life. That belief is that if I am myself, I won't fit in, be accepted or belong (those were the words I came up with) from unconscious to conscious level.
I want to be completely honest with you and tell you why I started this page. I did it to find my tribe and feel a sense of belonging. It sounds wrong as you would think it's solely to help people. That is apart of it, it's just not the full story. I will admit, I got distracted along the way. My distractions came in the form of posting surface level stuff which I have never truly been a fan of. I love digging deeper into all the core driving factors that create our future. I want to know the reason we get up in the morning for work, the reason we stop ourselves from doing what brings us joy and instead settling for comfort and certainty in something that makes us miserable, which ironically makes us feel uncomfortable and uncertain about the future. I am more empathetic and compassionate about this more than ever. This tug of war we have within us is real, deep and more than just not being motivated and lazy.
My aim this year is to share with you how I overcome challenges through my experiences, whilst helping you through yours. It feels vulnerable to share these things with you all as I know they are taboo subjects. I often feel people don't talk to me about what I am doing because it makes them feel uncomfortable or they just don't care or understand. When you're looking for belonging (which all of us do on some level) it feels isolating when the people you see often or the people you’re supposed to have a connection with don’t quite understand you. It makes me feel invisible. I have noticed that some people around me don’t asked me about how my work is going? I know they see my Facebook, I know they know what I do, but nothing. My partner is frequently is asked about how he is going at work and I tend to get no questions. The thing is, becoming a coach has been one of the most rewarding and hardest things I have done in my life. So, it’s safe to say that it’s a significant part of my life. This change in my life was huge. I realised I was on the wrong path, found what I love and went for it. I have invested a lot of money into to this, more than anything else and I have invested my energy into this too. Which means when my family, friends or people I meet think it’s weird, annoying or just don’t get it, it hurts life a knife through the heart. Okay, I don’t know what that feels like, let’s just say it hurts.
In the name of digging deeper and staying true to my mission, what’s my core belief in this situation? Because at the moment it sounds like them against me. It’s their fault they didn’t try or show that they care. The reality is that it’s not at all. It’s the meaning I am putting on it, if they find it weird, annoying and don’t understand what does that mean to me? Also, what assumptions have I made, did they actually say that? The reality is they may feel that way and they may not, how do I want to react to that. From what I know it’s a sore spot for me that has inflamed. It’s a core belief I have that makes me feel an emotional reaction when I think about being ignored or misunderstood.
As I mentioned before, the belief is that ‘if I am myself, I won't fit in, be accepted or belong.’ This was identified from unconscious to conscious level. This is what it means to uncover a core belief. It’s a process I have mastered with myself and clients. Why, because it’s empowering once you know why something really upsets you or keeps you from what you want. Once you know what it is, you can take steps towards reducing the power it has over you.
Let’s rewind back and go through the process I went through to discover this.
Thought – I should be further in my business (pressure on myself)
Anxiety and emotional triggers always come from a thought. When these thoughts are questioned you take the power away from them as you're bringing it into your awareness.
If I am pressuring myself how does that serve me-? I self-analyse and self-reflect
Everything we do serve us at some level and you may not consciously aware of it until you question it. This includes addictions and negative experiences that people find themselves in. When you understand why you do something you can decide whether you want to continue doing it or find a more resourceful way to do it.
Why is that important? – To become a better person. To become successful.
Why do I need to become a better person or successful? – To fit in, belong and so I am accepted by people.
What if I let go of pressure? – I would have more fun and adventure within my life including business and friends. I would be myself, more authentic without worrying about what people think and as a result I would be able to influence those around me to be themselves.
What can I do next to improve that situation?
Two main things I will start with.
1) Become aware of my body, mind and energy when I feel a lack of belonging – For me that’s in the form of emotions and working through social conditioning as a child and growing up in society.
2) Surround myself with link-minded people. People who I have a connection with and feel like I can be myself around. People who are willing to talk honestly about what I do, and I am able to speak with without being triggered. People who are opened minded, conscious and self-aware.
Why will this benefit me:
1) The more self-aware I become the less powerful the triggers become as it changes the neural pathways about how I think about that situation. You become more aware of how I create my reality.
2) I will grow in confidence from being supported by like-minded people. Once my confidence grows, I can then feel stronger in myself to put myself out in the world more and grow. The more confident I become the stronger I will be when someone gives me feedback that may be triggering.
When we question our judgments of others and things we find a deeper reason as to why we feel so passionate about specific topics. We form an awareness that allows us to change the judgment into understanding and approaching it with love, care, and compassion for yourself and others. We become powerless when we try to force people to change, by pointing the finger, naming and shaming and being self-righteous. We become powerless when we use our drive to be angry and frustrated at the world and constantly focus on what's wrong. When we approach things from that frequency we attract more negative things into our lives. We all do this in our lives it’s just that we can choose to suppress, avoid, blame, judge, shame others and distract ourselves from it or understand what drives us to think, feel and judge those things in the first place. From consciously being aware, honest and accepting where we are today, we can make decisions to move towards a healthier life.
Healthy relationships with people help you heal from trauma or a dysfunctional family upbringing. You will notice this when you hang out with a friend, family member or partner that completely gets you and you feel good after being in their presents. You find they lift you and help you grow. You can talk to them about anything and be yourself around them without hiding parts of yourself.
This is why finding, attracting or creating your tribe is so powerful.
Here's to vulnerable story telling and being YOU!