How to know what your boundaries are and why that is so important
Boundaries are our yes and no's.
They are the feeling of tightness and withdraw = no
They are the feeling of lightness, curiosity and pulling towards = yes
They are what we have capacity for in terms of socialising, supporting others, work hours and spending time with friends and family.
It's knowing when our body is signalling that it needs rest and self care
Consciously knowing what our boundaries are and expressing them is at the core of self love and self care. When our boundaries are subconscious we will feel unhappy with situations and we are not clearly communicating our expectations or needs to others. This is what it means to assume others should know or be like us.
It is the opposite to self-abandonment to know how boundaries and to honour them ourselves.
It’s the opposite to self -neglect to honour our boundaries when others choose to not do this.
How do I know that I don’t express my boundaries and I subconsciously expect people around to think like me too?
I have been that person.
Going with the flow, thinking I am cool with it only to realise later that I regret doing that. Expecting others to go with the flow too.
Or I feel resentment towards the person I was going with the flow with.
What I noticed is that when I didn’t express my boundaries I would get upset or offended when someone expressed a boundary to me, taking it personally, or would miss their cues because I was in survival mode.
This manifests as:
Being pushy or forceful to get my needs met outside of me
People in my life pulling away from me
Feeling rejected when someone expressed a boundary and judging and venting about them to others
Feeling rejected when I practiced expressing a boundary and the person got upset with me (due to their own wounding)
Not reinforcing my own boundaries because of fear of them not responding in the way I want them to, so I expected people to read my mind and know what my needs are.
Expressing a boundary or need with an expectation that the person will respond to it in the way I want and when they don’t getting upset with them because it was an expectation/ need that I wanted them to meet.
Being offended by how much someone charges for a service and expecting them to give it for cheap or free. This is common for people who are not in the arena.
Externalising the internal discomfort I feel by trying to control my environment without working on my triggers and then calling them boundaries. For example, when someone behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable and trying to change their behaviour to make you feel better. The reality is we can’t control our environment or others.
Another example is that your environment needs to look and be cleaned a certain way to feel comfortable and safe. There’s a difference with having a clean house to support your life and cleaning your house to self soothe (copying mechanism) and when it’s not clean feeling activated and out of control.
A boundary sounds like
I am not free today, I have some free time tomorrow if you would like to meet up then
Pushing on this boundary sounds like - “but I really wanted to see you today and now I’m upset that we can’t meet.”
A boundary sounds like
I charge $$$$ and you can book in on my calendar
Pushing on that boundary sounds like - “I can’t afford that because I am only working part time, can you do it cheaper?”
Underneath any upset is an unmet need and expectation that has not been clearly voiced or honoured by the person who is externalising their upset.
This reaction is an attempt to get the other person to soothe you and meet your unmet need.
So what can you do if you resonate with this?
Notice when you’re uncomfortable and trying to fix the way you feel from the OUTSIDE IN, instead of the INSIDE OUT
Tune into your body and learn what yes or no feels like
Practice to be confident to say no even if it means that someone will be upset with you
See resentment, anger and regret as a signal that you had a boundary that we were not conscious of or did not express out of fear of rejection or disconnect
To be aware of your mood and nervous system after an interaction you have with someone or a job you said yes to but didn’t really want to do.
Am I grounded after it
Am I in fight flight
Or
Am I exhausted and shut down.
If this is foreign to you and you’re not sure how to identify or express your boundaries without taking it personally.
Book in a 1:1 session with me and we will get clear about your individual process and tools you can bring into your everyday life to support you in this process.
Have deeper and more meaningful connections in your life
Feel more content and confident with yourself
Get to know yourself on a deep level
Comments